Crappy New Year

Its a new year but I still feel the same old retard. I hate all this like ‘a new year, a new start’. Its like fuck you cause life still is the same. I realise my mother has this incredible knack for ruining significant holidays like Christmas, New Years (Chinese and regular), my birthday ( not a holiday but it should be) she’s like the Grinch. I’m currently at Starbucks and I’m supposed to be getting down to business and  doing my 10- 15 page report which is finally making some progress. I am seriously on a I hate life and will feel better if I had a Givenchy bag delusion right now.  I believed the Shins and thought i could go without till the need seeps in. But the need has seeped and it is demanding to be fulfilled. God. JUST GIVE ME THE MONEY.

I apologise. My bag is all I can think about. Okay well technically I am thinking about the bag and only the bag cause I refuse to think about more crucial important issues. Like my lack of friends due to crippling and paralyzing self doubt. Or my weight. Which i think i am conspicuously gaining. I really let myself go this holiday. Like I am this fat piece of crap. God. JUST STOP EATING. I think my father thinks I’m fat.  Cause i hadn’t had lunch and I ask for chicken rice and he said “ thats really fattening”. Well thats not surprising. My whole family thinks i am fat. Okay not fat. But chubby, plump, a waste of space. I think being chubby is worse than fat. Cause when you are fat you’re just fat... not much you can do about that but when you’re chubby its like you’re soooooo close to being skinny but you’re just not. Its like betting on 4D and you missed by one number.  Its this incredible feeling of disgust and self loathing. I wish I could be happier like I was before. Granted I was never really HAPPY. But i was happ-ier. I liked myself slightly better.

 I secretly think sometimes that death would be easier. Yes yes yes emo/dramatic right. But its like i have nothing much to live for and whatever that I may have to do in the future I don’t look forward to doing. I don’t understand why I have to live my life this way. Meeting everybody’s expectations and not living your own and feeling like shit all the fucking time.  So maybe death would be more peaceful. Can you imagine living another 10 years like dead inside. Might as well save everybody time and die now. You know how people say you should cherish your life cause someone else out died wishes he/she was alive. Well they can have my life. Well not MY life. Cause I wouldn’t wish my shit life on anybody.

I think this post is longer than my report. If only i could pass this up instead. I mean how much can I write about cutting newspapers.  I hope “LIFE “ had a new year’s resolution and it was “ to be nicer to Nikki ”  hahahahahahha.