Fake Plastic Trees

so upset at myself.

I am so self absorbed even though there are over a 150 people missing in an idonesian tsunami. how shallow am i? I dont understand how I can be so selfish. when all I can think about is me me me. my weight my looks. but its just haunting me constantly. everytime I do anything remotely related to me having to look at myself (look in a mirror)  I think of what everybody have said to me. My own fucking parents who never think I am good enough , those horrible boys from school who told me to my face that they would rather date my friend cause she's skinny, my friends, the 2 boys from singing class who said I looked my friend's bodyguard, people who always always tell me I gained weight.

I tried ive tried to let go but some noise or thought or memory will come back and hurt me and I cant stop my mind. Everytime I try to forget something has to happen like today when my granddad said I'm fat. I cant even hate him. Why do the people I love make it their life mission to make me hate them?

I am just never going to be good enough for people. I am always going to be the fat one. The ugly fat sad one. I want to be invisible. I want nobody to see me.

So I'm sorry to the people in the tsunami. I cant help you when I cant help myself.


Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time

Please Dont Take My Sunshine Away

Was supposed to go to the Australian Universities Open Day thing but I decided today isnt a good day. I just want to sleep. but I just ate 2 eggs and half a packet of ramen noodles. I know right. so much for my I want to be anorexic plan.

On a different note.

Can you believe the police came to my house because my parents were fighting over a potted plant and a table? as in they were fighting because of it. isnt that just stupid. I honestly do not know why the police even bother. How many bloody times do they have to come to realise that : My parents are crazy.  And mother is now outside the room weeping telling me she wants to die and that she has nothing for her and that my dad's basically a dick. (this is after I told her I dont want to hear anything) She's so dumb. just fucking divorce him and dont bother fighting with him.  She says it affects my brother. erm hello? I guess I'm invisible. I'm invisible and to them. I'm just a messenger for the both of them. The guinea pig they use. Well better me than my brother I guess. Oh this is just precious. I'm "siding" my dad now. Tell me something new, mother. Its starting to sound old. She says she cant take the things he does then why is she still here. Love? fuck love. That's too selfish.

She wants me to do something. I cant fucking do anything. What can I do?  They are fucking crazy.  I'm your daughter not your fucking therapist. Shit. Shit. Shit. I know my parents. They are actually both the same. My mother is no angel and neither is my father.

they are fucktards.

I need some sleep. Even though its only 11.33am.

"How can you hide from what never goes away?" — Heraclitus

Moral of the story

My parents are full of shit.

Talk Show Host

Once again, Im not being constructive and Im writing in this space instead of like…thinking about ways I can improve on cutting newspapers (cutting with more precision, sticking it on paper with the perfect amount of glue) 

I miss my friend Stacey who doesn’t seem to care about me anymore. Its okay to write this here cause she wont read it. Cause as stated above, she doesn’t care.  Sometimes its like I try so hard to be her friend but she doesn’t seem to want me. So I feel like giving up. But I don’t know…its STACEY. Like bolded and uppercased. So Im still hanging in here. Waiting for her to say HI NIKKI HOW ARE YOU for the first fucking time.

So yeah. I think I should post photos of myself on my blog. But I just cant take good photos. I have this face that when photographed looks like Im having face fits. So..no. Maybe after I lose a whole bunch of weight and my face is all sunken in and gaunt then okay.

The other intern just told me that people in Texas died from eating celery. Why would you eat celery in the first place? At least if its chicken (bird flu) you know its going to be delicious. So dying from that would seem more fulfilling. Point is : Don’t eat vegetables.

I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds

Up On Melancholy Hill

10 Things I ostensibly want.

1. Ksubi Jeans but only when I’m so tiny people go OMG GIVE THAT GIRL SOMETHING TO EAT
2. Whitening moisturizer. Fair-er. Make me Fair-er.
3. Bras. Those that don’t make my boobs the focus of my entire body. Face included.
4. To be anorexic fankz. But I CANT STOP EATING. So I’m going to pray for willpower tonight instead.
5. Sexxxytime with Sen Mitsuji
6. My fringe to grow
7. Converse high tops
8. To make better decisions about my pathetic life. Exp. Deciding to make my life less pathetic
9. TAKE ME TO TOKYO
10. To be happy

I can't believe I just made that list so it would seem like I'm actually doing something useful during work. The other intern always looks purposeful even though she is as free as me. that is annoying.

oh time to cut newspapers. watch out! high level shit right there.

bahahahhahahahahah

Thinking about...

how I really want like just for one day. like ONE day. my family would be able to sit together (and actually happy) and have dinner at east coast with my grandparents. Thats what I really really really really want.

but it seems that I always what I cant have.

Send my fond regards to...

lonelyville.

“When everyone leaves you it’s loneliness you feel,
when you leave everyone else it’s solitude.”
- Alfred Polgar

solitude.

and oh. hi nikki. this is tikkinan. please stop eating so much. or better just STOP eating.
I have also edited this post 3 times. so let me think for a minute before I publish this lest there anything else I need to edit to make me look less stupid....

and....okay non.

neurotic, much???

Vomit in Unison

alice glass is so vcccwfbcedjve cool
I wanna see crystal castles next year. like in a omfgnowaygetouthellyeahwhoohoouhhuhalright kinda way
would it be too early to buy tickets now???
hmmm.
I find it kinda unfortunate really. that I cant seem to appreciate Joy Division. Really. Its just that everytime I hear their music it reminds me of Topshop. I mean I like Topshop but I dont want my the music I listen to to remind me of a clothing store. It would be meaningless. Oh topshop. Its like a lovehate relationship.
so I suppose if I want to listen Joy Division-ish music I will just chill at Topshop. Like sitting on the fittting room floor. Like alone. and grooving.

hahahahaha

No Turning Back

As I was working today (playing fast and loose with the word 'working' right there) I suddenly felt the sudden urge to change my blog and start a new one. I feel myself changing recently. emotionally. well physically too. I think i'm getting conspicuously fatter. Anywaaay, I think I'm either growing up (hopefully) or acting out (probably). 

so this is the new "me". my alter ego. tikkinan. nice to meet you. I like listening to radiohead, taking long walks, eating Subway and watching criminal minds. All of which I did today. (: and found out I like. (: (:

right.

bye.