Fake Plastic Trees

so upset at myself.

I am so self absorbed even though there are over a 150 people missing in an idonesian tsunami. how shallow am i? I dont understand how I can be so selfish. when all I can think about is me me me. my weight my looks. but its just haunting me constantly. everytime I do anything remotely related to me having to look at myself (look in a mirror)  I think of what everybody have said to me. My own fucking parents who never think I am good enough , those horrible boys from school who told me to my face that they would rather date my friend cause she's skinny, my friends, the 2 boys from singing class who said I looked my friend's bodyguard, people who always always tell me I gained weight.

I tried ive tried to let go but some noise or thought or memory will come back and hurt me and I cant stop my mind. Everytime I try to forget something has to happen like today when my granddad said I'm fat. I cant even hate him. Why do the people I love make it their life mission to make me hate them?

I am just never going to be good enough for people. I am always going to be the fat one. The ugly fat sad one. I want to be invisible. I want nobody to see me.

So I'm sorry to the people in the tsunami. I cant help you when I cant help myself.


Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time