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the dress, the shirt, the hair.

no seriously.

Mark Ronson

Sweet Disposition

Last day. Last entry made in the office. I think it’s quite funny how I am suddenly feeling a wave of nostalgia. Getting a tad bit sentimental. Which is very unlike me. I usually can let people and situations go quite fast. It’s just that I have to re-adjust my life in a way. Well…To actually having one. A life I mean. But this monotonous, routine-ish 2 months has been quite good to me….like the friends I made..You know sometimes how you hate to leave people? But I heard from ....movie or something..that you have to leave people to meet new ones so we shouldn’t fear saying goodbye. So.. There you have it nikki…

Don’t you love it when a song suddenly finds you and it encapsulates like everything you are feeling? I mean you don’t have to find it…the song comes when you are watching something or reading a line of the lyrics. I love that. I get an indefinite thrill from it. Like my toes will be curling in excitement.

I hope something good happens.

Soon.

Just stay there
Cause I’ll be comin over
and while our bloods still young
it's so young
it runs
and we won't stop til it's over
won't stop to surrender

We Love Animals

Like a G6 Like a G6 Like a G6. meaningful song.

I recently lost faith in humanity and the idea of “friends”. I got played out again. I thought she was my friend but apparently not. This must be the year. The year where I lose lots of friends. And I didn’t have many to begin with. Which I find quite depressing. I don’t even know whats happening. Just read extensively about high school massacres. I (strangely and disturbingly) find them mildly fascinating. horrible right?

Maybe this is the way I’m dealing with my stress as school is approaching. I don’t want to go back to school. Its freaking me out. Like all the people and the noise and the “looks” I assume I’m getting. God. I think I’m going mental. I just don’t want to go back to school and be around people my age. Like its annoying and I get extremely neurotic, doubtful , insecure ,scared. I just cant be around that pressure. Well, I don’t think I will have to guts to shoot anyone so don’t worry. Or slash since guns cannot be purchased in Singapore.

Its already happening. My mind is a big fat mess. So is my body. A big fat mess. At least im consistent. Consistently messed up.

Maybe I feel too much.  That has the potential of sounding very dirrrrty but its not. Get your mind out of the gutter.

                                                           

Did Justin Beiber really say he feels he’s the Kurt Cobain of his generation? I mean he’s cute and all…. but you know… lets not go overboard beiber. He is in no way the new kurt cobain. He’s like the new ice cream sundae. Delicious momentarily but eventually forgettable and ultimately disposable. Oh. And WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE WOMEN. Are they so repressed by China’s society that they have viciously harm these defenseless animals. Fucking senseless hags. Someone should stone them to death. Or feed their useless bodies to the sharks. They sat on a rabbit???? Why would you do that! I feel extra sad for the rabbit like he probably didn’t even the huge ass coming.

Huh. I never knew beiber is spelt bieber.

I think names are a quintessential part of how a person turns out. Like if you have a really cool name. Cool things will happen. Have I talked about this before. I think I have so I wont elaborate.  

I'm worried.

Aht Uh Mi Head

Here it is another cold (like fucking freezing) morning in the office. I think I should really savour these moments seeing how I have only 2 weeks left of this shizz.. Heehee. I’m feeling a bit frivolous today. Probably because I saw a lot of photos of pretty people. Like JUST. I have this theory that pretty people are treated better. I think average ordinary cookie cutter looking people just cant help but want to like them.  Cause when you look at them it makes you happy. Its like seeing a whole bunch of puppies rolling on the floor. Cant help those damn endorphins/happy vibrations. I think the Victoria Secret Fashion Show makes the world a better place.

I get so stressed recently thinking about people going around slashing. Them slashers. My poor brother. I keep calling and texting him asking him where he is. I think he blocked me on his phone. (He blocked me on facebook. I suspect he has a girlfriend) That little prick. Well I’m worried! I have an overactive imagination. I can see things. Not like the boy from sixth sense but I can like visualize situations very realistically. I wonder why people feel the need to kill others. Its SO SAD and uncalled for and ruthless. Its very criminal minds. Those people need to watch some Victoria Secret asap.

Going to get my jeans tomorrow.  Yes I am. Yes I am. Yes I am. I know I said it last week. Went to the store you know. But Alas!  I chickened out at the store. I refused to try. I’m an avoider. I avoid. I avoid reality and the truth. In this instance I avoided trying cause I didn’t want to find out how fat I am.

Okay bye.

P/s: Watch your back (literally) Those slashers are kinda stealth.

MILK IT.

I've been listening to lots of top 40s recently. I can't get enough of katy perry. Teenage dream is such a fluffy song. Makes me happy. as compared to Sparklehorse.(lead singer/ songwriter committed suicide cause of depression. So he wasn’t exactly writing about frolicking in California in his skin tight jeans) And then I realised : You are what you feed your soul nikki.

And the beibs (!!!!).  Yes the beibster (!!!!!!!!!!). I like him. His music isn’t bad and he’s such a cutie. Plus Usher is his homeboy. His bredren. His brotha. HAHA People don’t like him just because its easy to hate on him. Just scold the helpless little boy cause you feel you are older and cooler and hence authorised to. And well he is not in a position to scold you back. He’s the world’s punching bag.  I've always felt his songs are not as annoying as Lady gaga’s or FLOrida’s (I always thought it was like florida. Yeah like saying it FLOrida makes it less stupid). Poor Beiber. He’s just going to end up like paul the octopus who eventually succumbed the pressure of the death threats. RIP paul.  How much do you think the octopus is worth. He looks yummy. Eating his tentacle would be like eating a fortune teller’s hand. Well 1 of 8 hands. 

HARRY POTTER is coming out!!!! That sounds like he’s gay but he is not (or is he..hmmm). Harry Potter is awesome. Book and movie. University of Sydney looks like Hogwarts which makes me want to go even more. But I’m so afraid I cant make it. my fucking grades. Omg. University of Sydney!!!! To get like admitted , I have to get ALL As next semester.  is that even possible???? OMG WHAT AM I GOING TO DO. And all my friends at work were like “you can go for the interview (IF there is one) . you will ace the interview.” Thanks guys. I'm really feeling the support.

MAYBE if I write an appeal something like how I was a lost soul a vagrant a body without purpose a person with no passion and zeal. But now I have changed my ways. I have reformed. I am now a person who got 2.77 for her last semester GPA. Which is a VAST improvement from the 0.9 one. Oh shit.   I am so not going to make it. This is horrible. I have to work don’t I… like a 9-5 job like the one I am currently at now. I HAVE NO FUTURE. I will be this person who has lost their soul to the evil coporate money making machines.

Damn I’m over dramatic.

If I could be...

who you wanted

all the time

Take my heart, No one lives there anymore

hello. toodleloo. Its raining and Im really bored. Like I cant seem to find the energy to do anything besides shift the cursor from time to time (to you know naivigate) and type very halfheartedly. Its like maybe I had too much junk food. See. My very FAILED diet. I want to be one of those girls who are too lazy to eat or that infuriating "oh hm. I forgot to eat". Well. Then dont forget to fuck yourself also.. HAHA. my mother got a shirt for my brother that says that by the way. Its pretty awesome. I like it. Its very "In your face". 
Oh. I got a mcqueen shirt today. for like 70% off. its plain and kinda okay-ish. But Im decidedly shallow and superficial so I tend to care about brands. So whatever.

My intern...okay I to stop referring to her as MY intern. but THE OTHER intern said I am passive agressive and I think I am also. She's so smart and self-assured. I dont compliment people much. Maybe I should start being nicer. right. Be all fake and happy and nice. Like those stupid retards in disneyland. You see I dont believe that people can TRULY be nice. Like how can someone be SO NICE???? It makes me very uneasy. So I tend to shy away from those people. Cause they mess with my brain. Takes a liar to know another.

 Ive decided.

Im going to buy my jeans next week. Regardless of any changes in my weight.

Yes I am Yes I am Yes I am.

Fake Plastic Trees

so upset at myself.

I am so self absorbed even though there are over a 150 people missing in an idonesian tsunami. how shallow am i? I dont understand how I can be so selfish. when all I can think about is me me me. my weight my looks. but its just haunting me constantly. everytime I do anything remotely related to me having to look at myself (look in a mirror)  I think of what everybody have said to me. My own fucking parents who never think I am good enough , those horrible boys from school who told me to my face that they would rather date my friend cause she's skinny, my friends, the 2 boys from singing class who said I looked my friend's bodyguard, people who always always tell me I gained weight.

I tried ive tried to let go but some noise or thought or memory will come back and hurt me and I cant stop my mind. Everytime I try to forget something has to happen like today when my granddad said I'm fat. I cant even hate him. Why do the people I love make it their life mission to make me hate them?

I am just never going to be good enough for people. I am always going to be the fat one. The ugly fat sad one. I want to be invisible. I want nobody to see me.

So I'm sorry to the people in the tsunami. I cant help you when I cant help myself.


Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

It wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out

If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time

Please Dont Take My Sunshine Away

Was supposed to go to the Australian Universities Open Day thing but I decided today isnt a good day. I just want to sleep. but I just ate 2 eggs and half a packet of ramen noodles. I know right. so much for my I want to be anorexic plan.

On a different note.

Can you believe the police came to my house because my parents were fighting over a potted plant and a table? as in they were fighting because of it. isnt that just stupid. I honestly do not know why the police even bother. How many bloody times do they have to come to realise that : My parents are crazy.  And mother is now outside the room weeping telling me she wants to die and that she has nothing for her and that my dad's basically a dick. (this is after I told her I dont want to hear anything) She's so dumb. just fucking divorce him and dont bother fighting with him.  She says it affects my brother. erm hello? I guess I'm invisible. I'm invisible and to them. I'm just a messenger for the both of them. The guinea pig they use. Well better me than my brother I guess. Oh this is just precious. I'm "siding" my dad now. Tell me something new, mother. Its starting to sound old. She says she cant take the things he does then why is she still here. Love? fuck love. That's too selfish.

She wants me to do something. I cant fucking do anything. What can I do?  They are fucking crazy.  I'm your daughter not your fucking therapist. Shit. Shit. Shit. I know my parents. They are actually both the same. My mother is no angel and neither is my father.

they are fucktards.

I need some sleep. Even though its only 11.33am.

"How can you hide from what never goes away?" — Heraclitus

Moral of the story

My parents are full of shit.

Talk Show Host

Once again, Im not being constructive and Im writing in this space instead of like…thinking about ways I can improve on cutting newspapers (cutting with more precision, sticking it on paper with the perfect amount of glue) 

I miss my friend Stacey who doesn’t seem to care about me anymore. Its okay to write this here cause she wont read it. Cause as stated above, she doesn’t care.  Sometimes its like I try so hard to be her friend but she doesn’t seem to want me. So I feel like giving up. But I don’t know…its STACEY. Like bolded and uppercased. So Im still hanging in here. Waiting for her to say HI NIKKI HOW ARE YOU for the first fucking time.

So yeah. I think I should post photos of myself on my blog. But I just cant take good photos. I have this face that when photographed looks like Im having face fits. So..no. Maybe after I lose a whole bunch of weight and my face is all sunken in and gaunt then okay.

The other intern just told me that people in Texas died from eating celery. Why would you eat celery in the first place? At least if its chicken (bird flu) you know its going to be delicious. So dying from that would seem more fulfilling. Point is : Don’t eat vegetables.

I want to
I want to be someone else or I'll explode
Floating upon this surface for the birds
The birds
The birds

Up On Melancholy Hill

10 Things I ostensibly want.

1. Ksubi Jeans but only when I’m so tiny people go OMG GIVE THAT GIRL SOMETHING TO EAT
2. Whitening moisturizer. Fair-er. Make me Fair-er.
3. Bras. Those that don’t make my boobs the focus of my entire body. Face included.
4. To be anorexic fankz. But I CANT STOP EATING. So I’m going to pray for willpower tonight instead.
5. Sexxxytime with Sen Mitsuji
6. My fringe to grow
7. Converse high tops
8. To make better decisions about my pathetic life. Exp. Deciding to make my life less pathetic
9. TAKE ME TO TOKYO
10. To be happy

I can't believe I just made that list so it would seem like I'm actually doing something useful during work. The other intern always looks purposeful even though she is as free as me. that is annoying.

oh time to cut newspapers. watch out! high level shit right there.

bahahahhahahahahah

Thinking about...

how I really want like just for one day. like ONE day. my family would be able to sit together (and actually happy) and have dinner at east coast with my grandparents. Thats what I really really really really want.

but it seems that I always what I cant have.

Send my fond regards to...

lonelyville.

“When everyone leaves you it’s loneliness you feel,
when you leave everyone else it’s solitude.”
- Alfred Polgar

solitude.

and oh. hi nikki. this is tikkinan. please stop eating so much. or better just STOP eating.
I have also edited this post 3 times. so let me think for a minute before I publish this lest there anything else I need to edit to make me look less stupid....

and....okay non.

neurotic, much???

Vomit in Unison

alice glass is so vcccwfbcedjve cool
I wanna see crystal castles next year. like in a omfgnowaygetouthellyeahwhoohoouhhuhalright kinda way
would it be too early to buy tickets now???
hmmm.
I find it kinda unfortunate really. that I cant seem to appreciate Joy Division. Really. Its just that everytime I hear their music it reminds me of Topshop. I mean I like Topshop but I dont want my the music I listen to to remind me of a clothing store. It would be meaningless. Oh topshop. Its like a lovehate relationship.
so I suppose if I want to listen Joy Division-ish music I will just chill at Topshop. Like sitting on the fittting room floor. Like alone. and grooving.

hahahahaha

No Turning Back

As I was working today (playing fast and loose with the word 'working' right there) I suddenly felt the sudden urge to change my blog and start a new one. I feel myself changing recently. emotionally. well physically too. I think i'm getting conspicuously fatter. Anywaaay, I think I'm either growing up (hopefully) or acting out (probably). 

so this is the new "me". my alter ego. tikkinan. nice to meet you. I like listening to radiohead, taking long walks, eating Subway and watching criminal minds. All of which I did today. (: and found out I like. (: (:

right.

bye.