Same ol Same ol

A full year has passed since I last wrote. Looking back at my posts, I realised time hasn't really done much to change me. I'm still as horrid as ever. Probably even more so now. Before, I used to wallow in self pity and fill my soul with depressing books and music. Now, I just exorcise those feelings with drugs and escaping.
I'm more confused now than ever. I feel like there's something inherently wrong with me but I don't know what it is. As I get older I have become more cynical, judgemental and closed off.

It seems I'm only happy when I'm high.

I have decided to resume writing due to the fact that I am going to Berkeley. So that when I am 40 and suffering from menopausal symptoms and a mid life crisis, I can look back on these written accounts and remember what it was like to be 21. And then proceed to consume a heck load of anti depressants.

I am finally stepping out of my little bubble and venturing out of the asia pacific region which people may think is overdue. I do too.  I am completely nervous. It feels like everything is converging together and happening too soon. Like I'm not ready yet....okay honestly. My bikini ready body isn't ready yet.

My anxiety is compounded by the fact that I have exceedingly high expectations for my impending trip. I am afraid that it doesn't match up and I spiral into sadness and despair. An emotion that I am pretty familiar with as you can tell from my previous posts.

Getting another tattoo. I don't really know why I am. but somehow it feels like I should. I want to embrace my youth. hahahahahaahahah. I like what I am getting though. Imi Loa. To seek and explore.
Which is what I aspire to be. Not some corporate monkey stuck in a cubicle, with a deadbeat husband and 3 kids. Sometimes I feel so disappointed in myself. That I have this incessant need to explain and justify why I do things. I should just be like IDGAF, BITCH. but no. I am one of those bitches that care and obsess.

Still dont have a boyfriend. and im turning 22. fucking hell. I just want a boyfriend who's like Kurt Cobain. But every boy in Singapore looks like a fucking kpop star. where are all my grungy, rock listening, guitar playing tattooed men.  SO SICK OF IT. THIS is why I don't have a boyfriend. Not because I have high expectations its because there's nothing to expect. every boy is so generic.

Just told my friend something i shouldnt have. dammit.

fucking big mouth.

fuck fuck fuck fuck.

It's been way too long.. but I figured that I have to start writing because I refuse to confide in people. cause people suck. and I cant seem to handle my emotions. what is this horrible excuse that is life? Well anyway, its my birthday on tuesday and I hate birthdays. I learnt to hate it for awhile but this year. Wow. This year. I get to turn 21. When my other friends are throwing parties and getting extravagant gifts I get to standby and watch while my life gets packed up and carted away. I cant believe it! Wow Yay Whoopee my parents gave me no family and no house. Try topping that guys!
I am miserable. and I'm drinking. I know its so melodramatic and over the top and lame and fucking whatever whatever, but Im so sad.
Alcohol doesnt even taste like alcohol anymore. whatever. I feel so sorry. so sorry that my mum and brother has to go through this. I feel like they are leaving me. I feel like they are leaving me to suffer with my father. Even though I know they are suffering too so I cant say anything.
I wish things were different and I could go with them cause I will miss them.I wish my birthday never had to come. I wish the days will stop so I never get to witness them moving out and leaving me behind. ,.,.

I wanna go to the beach.

I miss my bangs.

Cute without the E.

At the newly refurbished starbucks at united square and have stupidly chosen to sit myself at a prime spot. Next to the stupid drainage hole. I swear to god there's this constant smell of sewage and it is bringing about a wave of nausea. Lucky right.

I wish my essay would just finish by itself. I think I am too over achieving. I've chosen to define the word: alone. which may sound emo and melodramatic of me but it is anything but. I am trying to say that being alone does not mean loneliness. and that it can imply happiness instead of what the world perceive alone to be. which is sadness. 

See. Here's the problem. My essay can be written with those few sentences. I cant seem to elaborate any further. my brain is useless.

I am seriously contemplating moving to a beachy country like sydney or L.A… I want to be a beach bum and drink all day. party all night. Have sexy beach hair and a great tan.  I would surf but I only know how to surf the internet. HAHAHA. and i cant swim. 

Have been on a taking back sunday/underoath/alexisonfire/brand new bender recently. very very 2008. But it sounds soooooo good again! 

peace. 

out. 

The Sex 13: Curly dark haired